Raito's Finest Blunders
by Hyacinthe Cassiline
Summary: Death Note plus day-dreaming plus your author with a lot of sugar pure equals complete CRACK. I like making fun of Raito-kun.
1. Raito's Finest Blunder

Hello lovelies! I have taken a turn down crack lane…..and this came into being…yeah. Let's just leave it at 'I have too much sugar in my system to be watching Death Note and pretend to be completely sober.' Yeah….not even possible. HURRAH!!! So, here is the product of sugar, hitting my head on a desk, and watching Death Note.

By the way, since I have to say it, I obviously don't own Death Note or I would have added this to the series…..really people….

So, without further ado, here it is!

* * *

Yagami Raito was pissed. Full on Kira-face-bat-shit-psycho PISSED. At himself, of all people. That Raito was angry with himself was pretty funny by itself. The fact that he had taken to stomping home like a toddler made it even better, in Ryuk's eyes. The act itself and the audience made it downright hysterical. Well, to Ryuk anyway.

Two and a half hours earlier, Raito had just seated himself in his English language class in college. It was a boring and unnecessary subject, but still a requirement nonetheless.

He was fully aware of the fact that his rival, L, also known as Hideki Ryuga, and a multitude of other fake names, was sitting exactly two seats behind him, watching his every move as though he was the most interesting movie. Naturally, Raito knew that Ryuga was, in fact, the real L, and he himself, was the real Kira.

A few minutes later, the professor walked in and began his lecture, which Raito took as his cue to stare off into outer space. As Kira, he was thinking of ways to kill L so he could take over the world. He had almost gotten a spark of inspiration when the professor called on him to translate a sentence from his textbook into English. Still halfway in space, he stood, lifting what he thought was his textbook and read a line from the page.

"Shinaharo Tatsuki. Dies of a heart attack after sending a fake reply to the Kira broadcast on Sakura TV, acting as though he were Kira."

There was a moment of stunned silence.

Then, several things happened at once. Raito's eyes went as wide as saucers and his jaw dropped, almost literally, to thr floor, Ryuk burst into laughter, L grinned lecherously, the whole class turned to stare at Raito like he'd lost his mind (which he had), and the professor cocked his head, lifted and eyebrow and looked at Raito questioningly.

"That wasn't the right line…"

* * *

Yeah, I know it didn't happen, but it would have been hella funny if it had.


	2. He Sings In The Shower

Now this is just depressing…..twice in one day, I've had crack ideas from watching Death Note. I blame them for my insanity! Well, you can probably tell where this came from too….pretty much the same place as the first one did. Add one cup sugar, one cup Kimiko, one cup Death Note, one cup corner of desk colliding with head, stir, then shake, then puree.

Without further ado, more crack on a stick from yours idiotically!

* * *

When Raito took his daily shower, he felt free. Everyday, this shower was taken at exactly seven P.M., when the house was completely empty except for him. He would drag his CD player into the sacred second story bathroom, undress, fold the dirty clothing (cuz we all know he's got some alien form of OCD), turn the shower on, turn the holy CD player on, and step into the shower.

Unknown to Raito, Sayu had come straight home after school that day to study for the math test she was to have the next day. Naturally, she was a bit surprised when she suddenly heard music blaring from down the hall at seven P.M. Sayu Yagami was very well known for her pranks and her vouyeristic exploits, so, curiously, she tip-toed down the hall and put her ear against the bathroom door.

"Cuz baby doncha know that there ain't no mountain hiiiiigh enough! Ain't no valley looooow enough! Ain't no riiiver wiiiiide enough….To keep me from getting' to youuuu baaabe!"

A grin settled itself across Sayu's features before she covered her nose and mouth with her hand to keep the laughter from bubbling through her lips in the form of full-blown noisy guffaws that would alert Raito to her presence.

By the time Sayu had stumbled back into her room, tears were racing freely down her cheeks and her face was a strange shade of strangled blue. She had an idea. A large, collosial, evil, sneaky, devilishly hysterical idea! She had to do it NOW. In a frenzied rush of adrenaline, she searched for the item with which she could potentially destroy Raito.

Sayu grinned like the Cheshire Cat as she opened the bathroom door about two inches, placed the miniature cam-corder right by the door and adjusted it accordingly. Perfect. His next song, however, made it even better.

"I wanna be like other giiiiirls! I wanna see what other girls seee! Just to be free like other giiiiiirrrrlllsss…..GET TO BE! NA NA NA! NA NA NA, NA NA NA! Wooooaaaah-OOOH!" Sayu covered her face with the pillow she'd brought along with her and burst into laughter. Not only could Raito not sing, but he couldn't use a falsetto to save his life! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Yagami (I'm a gay) Raito was using a falsetto and failing miserably. And now, in Sayu's mind, he was every color of the rainbow plus Barbie pink.

Ten minutes later, two things happened simultaneously. Raito sang what (to him) sounded like a perfect high A that really sounded like a dieing cat choking on a foreign tone-deaf swallow, and Sayu began gathering the random items she'd brought along with her on her journey into the underworld.

About thirty seconds after that, Raito turned off the shower and Sayu snatched the camera and snuck back to her room to play around with the internet, her lord and savior.

Raito felt great after that shower! It was especially invigorating. He'd finally hit the perfect high A! he was that much closer to becoming a superstar. It was his first dream after all; it even came before his quest to rule the world and name it after himself. Like how Pinky (from Pinky and the Brain) dreamt of cheese and helping Brain dominate the world. Raito practically skipped to his room in jubilee.

The next day, when Raito arrived at the task force headquarters, Matsuda was ranting and raving about some video he'd seen on YouTube. He was saying it was the most hilarious thing he'd ever seen in his life, and was begging L to let him play it when everyone arrived. L only agreed to shut him up.

When everyone arrived, Matsuda forced them to sit around the largest computer screen in a semicircle like children in a daycare at storytime. He then proceded to open the web browser and locate the video.

Twenty seconds later, everyone in the room except for Raito (mortified into silence), was in hysterics, tears, guffaws, the whole she-bang. The reason? Before them was Light's silhouette holding an imaginary microphone to his mouth and singing his heart out to the shower head. It certainly didn't help that his name, his full fucking name, was in the info. box.

"Raito-kun…..do not think for one moment that this footage will make me believe you are not Kira."


	3. And Then He Choked On The Epic Chip

Hello again duckies. This time I attempted a new form of writing. It may be fairly shitty, so I'm warning you beforehand. I must say that I thought I'd be done with this story after the first chapter….but no, I had to get more inspirations, didn't I? Of course I did.

So, here is another crack-tacular chapter.

P.S. I really love making fun of Raito…it's far too easy and too much fun.

* * *

Yagami Raito was a genius in every sense of the word. He'd always had the very best scores on every test. Always had the very best grades. Generally, you could say that he was used to winning. So, of course, when he first began using the Death Note, he naturally believed he was going to win. In all, it was a very optimistic dream to pursue. He simply had such a fat head about it because he didn't know of anyone who matched or surpassed his own wit. So, when L stepped into the picture, he never expected that he'd find someone equal to him in brain power.

L was an almost frightening phenomena by himself. The amount of thought behind each quickly delivered sentence and statement, his ability to deduce things those around him wouldn't have even though of, and most obviously, the fact that he had kept himself hidden from the entire world, hidden behind a letter on a screen in old English script.

To say Raito was intimidated by this character was a bit of an understatement. From head to toe, L was, in Raito's mind, a complete and utter freak. He looked less like an actual genius than a true psycho. But of course, that was only the cover of the book. The pages however, were a completely different story. Raito and L thought in almost perfect sync, which was a hilarity and a tragedy at the same time. Sometimes, it was like they were picking snide comments and thoughts out of the other's head and delivering them out loud.

It was almost like a game to both of them. A rather twisted and advanced game of Checkers, for Raito, but perhaps an upside-down game of Candyland for L. Maybe just an intricately woven mixture of the two, and whoever scored the most Kings in Candyland was obviously the winner. So when L pulled the first ace from his sleeve and met Raito face-to-face, Raito felt as though he'd been one-upped, which was something he was not something used to, and therefore was a bit angered by it.

The second ace L pulled out was the camera surveillance. This meant that Raito needed to fabricate a damn good alibi, but continue killing criminals. Thus, the potato chip bag was born.

Raito was riding some strange high. He acted as though he was merely studying for school, while really, he would be killing criminals inside the potato chip bag. Naturally, he knew this would work, and saw no need to test it beforehand.

His logic, however, was flawed. He hadn't even thought of the angle at which the bag was open on his desk versus the angles his eyes would actually reach. He certainly didn't have extendo-eyes, and even if he did, it would be suspicious if he was looking into the bag. What would he possibly use as an excuse then? 'My type of OCD requires that I only eat perfectly circular shaped chips.'? Either way, it looked ridiculous and suspicious.

It stands to reason that he was angry with this turn of events and refused to blame it on himself. He reached angrily into the bag, pulled out a single chip (which would later earn its name as the Epic Potato Chip), and, while throwing his head to the side, took a bite of the chip. Again, physics were completely against him as small shards of barbeque-ey salty goodness lodged themselves forcefully down the track that choo-chooed to his lungs.

In conclusion, he choked on the epic chip.

Moral of the story? When you know physics are out to get you, don't test them or you'll find yourself choking on a chip.

* * *

Okay, really, I hope I'm not the only one that found the potato chip thing a little bit of a stretch. I know my eyes don't stretch that far…..and if he could see the TV through the bag, so could L. Therefore, it makes no sense to me at all. And I'm pretty sure he never looked in the bag after he opened it the first time and looked at the chips like they were his free ticket to DisneyLand.


	4. Womens' Underwear

I have more crack for you! Really, I don't do drugs. I do sugar. There is a very distinct difference. Drugs make you hyper and sugar….wait…shit. Okay…well, never mind then. I guess they're not so different after all. Well anyways…

Disclaimer: Yeah I'll throw one of these in every once in a while as a reminder. I don't own anything but the keyboard. If you saw 'Death Note' instead of 'keyboard', I would suggest glasses or a brain. :-D

* * *

"I hate you! I truly fucking despise you! I wish I was Kira so I could kill every last one of you! I hate you!"

Well, Mello was pissed. Not that he wasn't usually. He got pissed whenever he went to long without chocolate. Too long was described in mere minutes, which was bordering on insanity. Raito didn't get how L and his successors never gained so much as an ounce. With the exceptions of Near and Matt, they were always eating something. L usually stuck to cake, ice cream, cheesecake, things of that nature. Mello, on the other hand, had a frightening addiction to chocolate. As was made obvious by the fact that he couldn't go more than seven minutes without chocolate. Apparently, sugar improved your ability to think. Raito was a little skeptical.

Back on topic. Mello. Pissed. Raito was not about to take the blame for this one. Not even close. It was not his fault Mello marched right on in with Matt by his side while Raito and L had been deep in discussion about some new thing on the internet. Really, as far as Raito was concerned, the blame could be put on Matsuda, because he'd shown them the web page in the first place. Somehow, it always came back to Matsuda, didn't it?

Mello had hiked right on in when Raito and L had been discussing the workings of the internet's new fad. Naturally, he'd gotten curious, and anyone who knows should know that Mello would be cruel if his questions weren't answered right away. (Which could possibly explain why he 'hated' Near with such a passion simply because he didn't give answers, he gave riddles. Go figure.) So, with a resigned sigh, Raito pulled up the web page again and let Mello skim over it. His eyes narrowed when he finished reading, a sure sign that he was angry.

Then, of course, Near had come along a few minutes later, and had read the web page Raito'd left open. In Raito's defense, he was a little preoccupied by Mello at the moment, who had basically been throwing one of his famous Mello-fits. Matt was merely lounging in one of the chairs in the room looking highly amused.

About an hour and two rounds of Matt style video games, Raito smirked, looked at L, and whispered into his ear.

Mello, being curious in a way that would shame a cat, leaned in to hear what Raito'd said. And then, he screamed.

"I hate you! I truly fucking despise you! I wish I was Kira so I could kill every last one of you! I hate you!"

Which brings us right back to the beginning, I suppose.

"Raito-kun, why did you show him that page? We are all going to die from splitting headaches if this continues. We won't even have to worry about Kira at this rate." L muttered in an annoyed voice. "Cake sounds splendid." He then rose from his odd knees-hugged-into-his-chest pose and stalked off to the kitchen. Raito was forced to follow when the chain pulled impatiently at his wrist. As he exited the room, he saw a hint of a smirk on Mello's face, and Matt grinning like that cat that had caught the canary. Caught it, chewed, and swallowed.

Should he be frightened?

If the looks on Matt and Mello's faces were anything to go by, then yes, he should be very frightened.

Shit.

Double shit.

Maybe he'd throw a 'fuck' in there just for good measure.

It seemed almost too soon when L had gathered a slice of cake and a fork and they were headed back to the main room with the rest of the group. He was, for once, truly frightened of Mello since he'd met him. No, it wasn't just the fact that the blond guy was encased in shiny black pleather. It also wasn't the fact that he looked so feminine it should be illegal. It wasn't even the staggering amount of chocolate he fit into his stomach on a daily basis. No. It was the fact that Mello had a rather disturbing prankster side to him. But what made it all the better (note: sarcasm) was that Mello had it in for Raito personally.

When they returned to the main room, Raito found, to his relief, everything was normal, or as normal as a teenager wearing spotless white pajamas playing with toys in the middle of the floor, a teenager that seemed obsessed with stripes, goggles and video games, and a teenager covered in skin tight pleather (which was odd by itself), could be anyway. He had a song coming to mind now. It had something to do with teenagers scaring the living shit out of him….

Raito dropped back into his seat, noticing when Mello and Matt shared a knowing glance. He was confused, sure. But he most certainly wasn't going to ask, lest it get him into some real physical trouble. Little did Raito know….

A half an hour later, Raito tossed the game controller to the floor in a less than gentle fashion and stood to huff out of the room. Well, we could say that he attempted it. He quickly discovered the super glue holding his hands to the controller.

"Ha ha. Very funny." Raito said as he made a face.

Standing, next. It was only an attempt because his ass was stuck to the chair. Literally. He looked confused first, then he was pissed. He glared at Mello first, then Matt, and then they burst into laughter. Raito was going to strangle them. He truly didn't care if it made him look like Kira or not. This was something any human would be pissed about.

He allowed a growl to escape his lips as he attempted loosening the glue by force. Of course, he was doubly pissed when he was vehemently released from his sticky prison with a sharp 'rip' noise. He turned to stare in absolute horror at the cloth dangling from the chair. He then realized that his ass was very much so revealed to the rest of the room, and that everyone in said room was seeing not only Raito acting like a moron, but the cute little flowers with a baby pink background rather tightly fit across his bottom.

Mello knew a pair of women's underwear when he saw them. And he was staring the flower design right in the face. Wow….this Raito kid had some strange fetishes. And that was saying something coming from Mello, of all people.

Raito scrambled to cover his own prettily patterned rear-end, his face a color that rivaled a strawberry.

"M-Misa likes it when I wear these! I o-only wear them for her!" Light scrambled for an excuse.

It made everyone in the room laugh when Misa actually walked into the room and denied the claim Raito had just made, a hand over her mouth. She looked shocked so it was fairly apparent that she hadn't ever seen him in any states of undress.

Shit. Raito was in some deep shit this time.

"Are you gay, Raito-kun? If so, it still won't decrease the possibility that you are Kira…in fact that may raise the possibility by exactly 5.32 percent."

Fuck!

"Oh, and you lose, by the way."

Double fuck!


End file.
